dEARest Diary and … whoop hold on, got new mail…

This dude mungleford, he’s in a worse mess than me. Well, really, I’m not in a bad mess, just that my life lacks the control that my brain thinks the world is coming to an end all the time (Which is GOOD! That’s very Samurai of me. Did you know that? One of the chief principles of being a samurai is keeping death in mind at all times. Maybe I’m further along than I thought!). But at any rate, I’m probably bookmarking mungleford, because I he sounds like he’s living in a fubar’ed situation now, and I naturally gravitate to stories like that in the hopes that they all have happy endings.

But any any rate, this Mungleford character made a comment a few days ago, or some time ago about this online diary thing becoming part of him. I can definately relate to that. I was discussing this with my new friend Reality a few days back and we somehow came to the conclusion that I was normal, which was satisfying and disturbing all at the same time.

But at any rate, what we were discussing was how I used to be in middle and highschool. (I now rank at age 21, for those new watchers of the rizzn show). Back in the day, I was a bonefide nerd dork face. I lived, and I do mean lived, on my computer. When I got in trouble, I never got grounded from going out, because well, I never went out. It never crossed my mind to sneak out at night. Where would I go? My computer took me everywhere, and it was right in my room. No sir, I never got grounded from going out, I got grounded from reading and being on my computer.

Kinda makes you wanna cry, doesn’t it?

But I was a total anti-social being back then. I had a personality akin to a dead moth. Nothing about me is the same as it was back then — except my online persona.

Back before I got online, I was a pure coder. Computers were my friends. I couldn’t interface with real people with any reliable degree of success, I wasn’t that great in math, ok in english, but I could make a computer perform math, high math, algebra, geometry, trig, calculous, could make it write poems, carry on conversations, create art. Anything. And it always liked me.

Then I found bbs’s. They were filled with weird people with overactive hormones. But I could play in their world, I just had to learn their programming language, and I could make them do what I wanted.

Never trust coders. Two words — social engineering.

Anyways. After BBS’s came internet. I started my website. I started writing. and writing. and writing. over the four years I maintained my website in high school I created over 300 megabytes of text and graphics (no large files at all, just htms gifs and jpgs). All of it culminated into my greatest creation — rizzn.com.

Then when I got fired from one of the best jobs I ever had due to corporate bullshit, I lost the entire site.

They just didn’t understand. Me, my computer, and my website were one. We were rizzn, ceasar (my computer), and rizzn.com, the holy geeky trinity. They had killed a part of me. I don’t think I have really been the same since.

I formed my current real life persona online. I tried things out that I couldn’t try out in real life due to the repercussions. But I kept trying until I figured out how people worked, what the interface is.

The downside to that is you don’t get fubar’ed over in online life. So I was totally unprepared at a point in my life where I should have recognized an individual from the start was going to fsck me over — and didn’t. And got fscked over.

But that’s a topic for another day.

Oh well, the quote for the entry: “I decided I love Walmart so much, Im going to have sex there one day. I don’t know where or how- But one day you might be walking down an asile and hear some crazy screaming and moaning.. And you can guarantee it’s probably me. Walmart is defintly fuckable.”