Dear Diary…

Well, this is going to be a semi-personal entry, so if you know me in RL, I respectfully ask that you skip this entry.

Well, I’m sure you all are dying to hear about what happened last night between me and my girlfriend. Well, I’ll talk about it.

The short version is that our relationship has the potential to hit the decline at this point if the situation is not carefully monitored and watched. And it’s my fault that it happened, sortof, but I had no way of knowing my actions at the time were anything but beneficial.

Like I mentioned, what she was mad about was the fact that I had gone back to sleep Saturday when she came over and announced that she did in fact have walking pneumonia. Now personally she should know that I’m one of the hardest people in the world to wake up and I wish that she had tried harder to rouse me because I had only had a couple hours sleep that night.

Instead, what that did was set off her depressive tendencies and induce her not to call me until she got un-depressed. After that she had gone back to the doctor’s office and then headed off to a girl friend of her’s in Denton and hid out there. And was there wallowing in how insensitive I was and how things in her life were going to sh!t.

Saturday I was concerned, but not distraught when I couldn’t find her, Sunday I was worried, but not stressed when I hadn’t heard from her. Monday, I was an all-out wreck. So I called everyone I could. Among these, I called her mom, and sister-in-law. When the did, in fact, get in contact with her, they bitched her out. Which, in turn, made me look real real bad.

So what went wrong here other than me coming out looking bad? She feels boxed in. She feels trapped. She tells me that she loves me very very much, and all that, which was somewhat comforting to hear.

But the disturbing part was to hear that she wants to take a step back, and that perhaps we were moving too fast. She doesn’t want to be pegged down at age 21 to anyone, even if it is the right guy. She’s afraid that she will do something that would endanger our relationship because of her immaturity.

They are very mature concerns to have, but it hurt to hear her say them because I can never imagine being unfaithful in the slightest. Already there is a lump forming in my throat thinking about it.

The think I kick meself repeatedly in the head over is what induced her feeling of trapedness — the fact that her mom called and b!tched her out because she didn’t tell her boyfriend where she was for 3 days. Why o why did I have to do that?

I asked her exactly what would the step back entail. She said that she just wants more of her old life back. Partying and meeting new people.

Ouch.

Clarify, I say. Meeting new people as in friends, or meeting new people as in meeting other prospects?

I don’t know, she replies.

Wow. My mind is totally blown. Is she setting me up for a breakup? What the heck!?! How can you not know? Do you not love me? No I love you, she says, I don’t want to break up, although this is probably what you want. No way, Girl, you are going to have to try much harder than that if you want me to break up with you. I’m not trying to make you break up with me.

Silence.

Thought. Deep thought.

Crying inside. Unable to cry outside. Shock, disbelief.

This step back thing, perhaps it’s just a passing thought since it was just thought of yesterday. She still expresses love and appreciation for me. I’m going to give it a few days. I’m also probably going home this weekend and going to talk to my dad the shrink about my relationship with her and her depression problem to see if there is anything I can do to assist her either come out of it or deal with it better.

Mungleford (probably diaryland’s most vocal speaker on depression, and someone which has my admiration) once said that “…nobody applauds you for not jumping off a bridge when the chemicals inside your own head lead you to think that that would be a good thing to do…”

(read this entry, it’s really a really good one; but when are his entries not really good?)

He’s right about that. But what can you do without bordering on the cheesey for someone that’s depressed. I’m not the best person in the world for listening to depressed people without making them feel weird, although last night my rating on that job was higher than past times, according to her. Can anyone advise me what I should be doing? I’m totally baffled.

I have no intentions of releasing her to the jackals of the world, not being exclusive, while maintaining any kind of relationship. I didn’t sign up for a polygamous relationship, which is not what she’s after, I know. But she can’t see the difference between me giving her space and giving her the option to flirt with other people.

God, please give me strength.

Well, I’m out of words for now, and I really should be doing my job for a change, so I’m going to sign off. Any feedback would be appreciated.

over and out – rizzn