Dear Diary.

I’ve been cheating on you. Not really, but I did actually handwrite a note that was meant only for myself to read last night, so I hope you aren’t mad.. 😉

But to make it up to you, diary, I’m going to write the entry I handwrote in here last night. Excuse it’s cheeseyness.

I’ve decided that I must be really really depressed if I am handwriting a note that I intend only to be read by meself.

I just got done watching some cool animes about some dudes who are part-time florists and part-time assasins. And about this boy ninja in the 20th century. Phitt got them from work.

But directly to the point — I am missing my girl so much. I feel like we broke up. I wonder if the damage to the relationship can still be repaired.

I’m different in my approach to relationships. I look at each one as if it were my last, not even considering the possibility of breakup.

It’s how I’ve always been. Why would anyone want to be different than that?

Its an ego-centric thing of me to say, but I cannot concieve in my mind a different apporoach to dating.

Some people will express love with ulterior motives (i.e. to get someone ‘in the sac’), some will say it because their spouse or significant other say it. others still say it out of habit and some will say it out of shame.

I am completely different. I don’t say it because of a warm fuzzy I feel, nor because of obligation. I say it only when I’m sure of the impolications and the committment behind the words “I love you” can be fully comprehended, calculated, and backed up by my actions.

Words mean things, and love is not an emotion, but a committment.

But this is turning into nothing more than a treatise on what my positioin on love is.

Back to the point, if there is such… I miss her. So much that it hurts, and I do mean physically.

Not to turn this into an exercise in cheesiness, but I really do miss her that much.

I don’t know why I do this to myself. Girls are the reason I [get depressed]. The only reason. Girls are the reason and only reason I ‘ve turned my emotions off in the past.

It’s the same story everytime. Five months or maybe a little longer of pure bliss for me, something snaps in the girl and she breaks it off.

I see the problem clearly now. Only because I just wrote it down, and it’s happenned enough times for it to be called a pattern. Habitual even.

But I thought that it was only guys who were afraid of committmeent?!

Damn the 20th century and the liberated woman! Who gave them the fscking right to be as assholish and prickish and selfcentered as the traditional American male.

I guess that I belong in a backward culture where guys can still be chivalrous and women aren’t allowed to be afraid of committment to a guy who worships the ground they walk on.

But after the girl breaks it off due to the fear of committment, as tradition goes, either a) she comes crawling back in a most unseemly fashion, or b) she dies.

Literally. I’ve a history littered with the girlfriends that gain 50 pounds after breaking up, die in car accidents, or in 2 cases, contract lukemia.

But the ones who survive/and or come crawling back manage to contact mue just as I am getting over them, which is generally a three month process of its own.

That is the problem with fully extending your heart to those who are merely human. Whilst God never breaks my heart, women seldom seem to pass up the opportunity.

I’m not even going to type in the next part because I read it and it’s way to fscking cheesey. I’m actually embarrassed at what I wrote so far, but pretty much it’s all how I feel, in a melodramatic sort of way.

I’ll probably write more later. Just wanted to get that typed in this morning and see if was over the top, after having a night’s sleep on it.

/rizzn