Oh, diary, I just don’t know….

Life is so damn confusing.

I want to clarify from that last entry that when I was talking about my Girl being scared of me, it wasn’t because I was hitting her or anything like that. I re-read it and it sounded kinda bad.

But she’s had some bad experiences in the past and I was kinda yelling at times or at least raising my voice and I had some things in my hands that I was kinda slamming down on the couch, and she kinda got freaked out since she was already freaking.

Enough of that.

As I was saying, life is so damn confusing.

I sent my Girl an email this morning which said: “I wish to cause no further undue stress in your life, so rather than keep contacting you and keep pissing you off, whenever you feel like you are ready to deal with me, please call me or email me or message me. Believe it or not, I really do love you.”

She msg’d me a second ago:

myGirl: so are we through?
Rizzn: you tell me [her name].
Rizzn: like i said when you first asked me that the very first time you had an episode out at my house.
Rizzn: I am willing to stay by your side.
Rizzn: let me rephrase that.
Rizzn: I want to stay by your side.

There was a long pause. Like a few minutes. And that was her response. just “K”.

Finally I got her to talk some more. I had really freaked her out last night, apparently, with my raised voice and stuff. I reassured her that I was not a violent person. Because I’m not. God knows I’m not. It’s the absolute furthest thing from my being to harm her, or anyone for that matter, but especially not her.

Where do fscking abusers get off? No way! Hell no. It’s such an anathama to me to consider that.


myGirl: I gotta go to the store
myGirl: Ill be back in about 30 mins
Rizzn: okay
myGirl: love you
Rizzn: i’ll see you then.
Rizzn: I love you too.

See what I mean?

I repeat the refrain:

Life is so damn confusing.


Quote of the Entry: “He kissed him, then made the comment that he pitied me, that boys are lousy kissers. I smiled politely and agreed. Especially him, I thought, but of course i didn’t tell him that. “

– slivers

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