Dear Diary,

It .. is .. finished.

I just got back from theGirl’s house.

She never ever wants to see me again. (except to get her stuff back).

I tried to be the adult about it. I tried to say we could still remain friends.

But I needed to get my computer back. If I can’t trust her not to go behind my back and find other people to date, how can I trust her not to trash my system when I leave it there another day.

But here’s how it went.

I went over to have ‘the conversation.’

I sat there silent for a bit. Made some small talk. No physical contact. I was clearly nervous. My foot was bouncing, my hands shaking. But that had started on the way in up the sidewalk.

She had to know what was coming. Which made it no fun. She has had the idea of a break-up in her head for a while now.

But I told her that I knew we had been having problems for a while. The reasons? She had been shutting me out of her life piece by piece.

She offerred no protest.

Long pause.

Then I handed her this email:

Hello Rizzn...

I'm not going to tell you who I am, because I don't want you to be mad at me. But I know you know how to hack email accounts on Hotmail, so you can verify this information for yourself.

But your girlfriend is either cheating on you or is planning on it. That may be the reason you are having problems with her and she's been acting

weird.

You are our friend, Rizzn, you don't need to have this kind of stuff going on in your life. You need to confront her about it.

Check the headers in this email, you will see that it comes from her account.

Anyways, read below and you will see what I am talking about.

- a concerned friend.

Below this email was quoted the love letters that had been sitting in her account, and still sit in her account.

She read it.

She was silent, no visible emotions on her face.

Then she looked up and told me she wasn’t cheating on me, but she was seeing other people, I was well aware that we were in an open relationship.

It is true that she told me back in February that we ‘ought to date other people.’ But she said it was that I should date other people, because she didn’t thing I was able to handle her, should be stuck with her. After I assured her that wasn’t the case, the issue subsided. You can read my old entries to see exactly what happenned back then. I clearly and accurately documented these things.

As I document everything. I don’t have a selective memory. I have an excellent and photographic and audiographic memory. I can remember things for months. Years, even.

We went round and round about whether or not I was aware.

I couldn’t see how if she loved me, which she still proclaimed to do, how she could feel the urge to see other people.

However, the only remorse she expressed was that I felt hurt, not for her actions, which she felt were completely justified.

I said to her, put yourself in my shoes, how would you feel.

She was silent for a second, but then her self programming kicked in and she said that she wouldn’t feel what I’m feeling, when I was clearly aware of the situation.

Ok.

So I said, well, we can still remain friends if you wish. I haven’t disparaged your name in front of my friends, only expressed my hurt. Anyone’s feelings about you won’t be swayed by what I have said, because anyone’s feelings about you were prejudged.

She didn’t respond to that.

What do I have here that I need to take.

Just the computer.

So I started to dismantle the computer. The computer which I loaned to her to get a job with, yet she used to meet other friends, and then boyfriends, behind my back. While I was supporting her with every fund I had to my own poverty.

And she asked me to leave the computer there. It had personal diary notes on it. Stuff she didn’t want me to read.

I paused and thought about it. But then I thought if I couldn’t trust her to not fool around behind my back, how could I trust her not to trash my system in the one day that I left it there overnight.

No way.

So I resumed dismantling it, saying: “You are going to have to trust me, that I won’t read it.”

As a measure of her trust in me, (which should be placed there, because everytime I made a promise to her, no matter how much I didn’t want to follow through, no matter how inconvenient it was for me to do so, I did), she didn’t trust me, and went purely ballistic.

And she said I was petty, and vindictive. And that she never wanted to see me again.

And threw all my other stuff (my books my clothes) out into the rainy courtyard.

And I gathered my stuff, put it in my car, and drove home.

/rizzn