Dear Diary,

Once again, at the Kat, I shall update. 😉

Well, hrmm, waitta second, I haven’t checked my mail today. hrmm Lemme see if there’s something interesting there to talk about.

Oh wait, you want something interesting? Read this chat log that took place only seconds ago.

Yahoo! Messenger: Conference [Rizzn]-72920 started.
Yahoo! Messenger: bigPoppaPump has joined the conference.
Rizzn: you can invite her if you want
Rizzn: i don’t want to open up a window that lets her message me all the time now
bigPoppaPump: do you want me too?
Rizzn: ‘yeah
bigPoppaPump: ok
Yahoo! Messenger: TheGirl has joined the conference.
bigPoppaPump: [Rizzn] is here [theGirl]
TheGirl: whats up with you [Rizzn]? Why are you telling people I threw your computer in the rain?
TheGirl: I threeew your book and your clothes
Rizzn: i said you threw my sh!t out the door
TheGirl: cause I was pissed
Rizzn: which is what you did
Rizzn: fscking ruined an expensive book
Rizzn: pages are ripped from it
Rizzn: stained two shirts
TheGirl: but Im not a big enough of a bitch to throew your computer in the rain
TheGirl: well you hurt me
Rizzn: oh
Rizzn: gee
Rizzn: it’s all about you
TheGirl: and you woyuldnt give me 5 mins to get my personal stuff off your comp
Rizzn: yeah
TheGirl: no its not all aboiut me
TheGirl: I gave you back your things
Rizzn: right
Rizzn: and i’ll get your stuff
TheGirl: Id like it now
Rizzn: i just don’t see why I should bend over backward s to do it at your request
Rizzn: i’ll do it when it’s convenient
TheGirl: you were suppossed to bring it by the other night
TheGirl: no [Rizzn]!
TheGirl: thats not the way it works
Rizzn: sure it is
TheGirl: why the hell are you actuing like this?
TheGirl: your actuing like a child
TheGirl: your being selfish
Rizzn: you need
Rizzn: hold on
Rizzn: i have a call
bigPoppaPump: [theGirl]?
TheGirl: yes…
bigPoppaPump: I think that the whole computer out in the rain thing is my fault
bigPoppaPump: I misunderstood what was said
bigPoppaPump: I appologize
TheGirl: k
bigPoppaPump: I do have a question
TheGirl: Im not pissed at you, Im pissed that [Rizzn] is treating me so sh!tily
TheGirl: I dontt feel like I was in the wrong at all
TheGirl: I told him I wanted to see other peopl back in feb
TheGirl: he knew
Rizzn: I treated you like a queen the whole time we went out. and my thanks is that you tell me you are boxed in and seek male companionship in others. Surely you see how I could be hurt by that.
bigPoppaPump: peter said that he did not give you his account info, how did you get it?
Rizzn: we’ve gon round and round on what you said.
TheGirl: then one of his pals hacks my email and pulls an email that was written to me from a guy Ive been hangin out woith, that I have only kissed once and we break up
Rizzn: I think that you know what I understood, and what you portrayed to me.
TheGirl: peter gave it to me
Rizzn: and was satisfied that I had been placated and somehow was okay with that.
TheGirl: he wrote the DNS numbers out on a piece of paper for me one night
TheGirl: [Rizzn] was there
bigPoppaPump: ok just curious
bigPoppaPump: no biggied
Rizzn: you knew what would happen if you had told me about it.
Rizzn: you knew how I reacted when I learned that dean was staying there.
Rizzn: what in the HELL made you think i’d be ok with you going out with other guys
TheGirl: [Rizzn], I never meant to hurt you, i never thought that you would feel ‘betrayed’ since I had told you I needed space
TheGirl: I told you “I want to see other people”
Rizzn: needing space does not always equal going out with other people
TheGirl: how could you mistake that?
Rizzn: they are two way different things
TheGirl: I sadi I wanted to see other people
Rizzn: yeah
Rizzn: and I said.
TheGirl: yeah…and?
Rizzn: are you going top
Rizzn: going to
Rizzn: and you said maybe
TheGirl: I said I didnt know
TheGirl: I didnt have anyone in mind at the time
Rizzn: and you said if you do
Rizzn: you would tell me about it.
TheGirl: well sh!t [Rizzn]
Rizzn: and I would take it as a signal it was over
Rizzn: well sh!t what
TheGirl: I hadnt talked to you to tell you
Rizzn: for fscks sake
TheGirl: this all just happend within the past week
Rizzn: i’m online 24 fscking seven
Rizzn: you have all my numbers
Rizzn: you never call
TheGirl: yeah and you barley would talk to me
Rizzn: you never try to contact me
TheGirl: bulklsh!t
TheGirl: I called
Rizzn: mmhmmm
Rizzn: after the fact
Rizzn: and didn’t say a word about it
TheGirl: no before
Rizzn: no
Rizzn: i remember clearly
Rizzn: the reason i didn’t want to talk to you
TheGirl: no [Rizzn]
Rizzn: was because it disgusted me
Rizzn: i recieved that email last tuesday
Rizzn: you called me wed
TheGirl: nothing happened between me and that guy till last weekend
Rizzn: uh huh
Rizzn: so why was the email written last monday
TheGirl: that email was an innocent email
TheGirl: I hung out with him
TheGirl: he spent the night
TheGirl: we cuddled
Rizzn: you never fscking cuddle with me
TheGirl: we hadnt even kissed
Rizzn: what the dfscking fsck
Rizzn: asdgjk;asdf
Rizzn: jkl;jklasdfjkl
TheGirl: bullsh!t
Rizzn: ‘you never want to touch me
Rizzn: you said so yourself
TheGirl: I cuddled with you all the time
Rizzn: we sleep in the same bed and you didn’t want me touchin gyou
Rizzn: i’m just not in the mood
Rizzn: blah blah
TheGirl: I didnt want to have sex
Rizzn: you were never in the mood ever since new years
Rizzn: well great for you
Rizzn: neither have it
Rizzn: i
TheGirl: no it was when I lost my job
TheGirl: and I was too freaked out
TheGirl: and closed in
Rizzn: the last time we were even close was new years eve
TheGirl: and all that other sh!t you dont give a damn about
TheGirl: I doubt that is true
Rizzn: i did
TheGirl: my bday
Rizzn: i gave a very big damn
TheGirl: your bday
TheGirl: you freaked out on me [Rizzn]!
Rizzn: i bent over backwards to accomidate
Rizzn: and then you tell me no
TheGirl: You started yelling and throwing sh!t around
Rizzn: you know why?
TheGirl: and I was in a ball crying on my couch
Rizzn: because you were shutting me out.
Rizzn: you were basically telling me that I couldn’t ever play a meaningful part in your life
Rizzn: because you think I don’t know what depressino ies
Rizzn: which is AWFULLY presumtuous of you.
TheGirl: you dont know what I go thru [Rizzn]
Rizzn: just because I don’t flaunt it like you do
Rizzn: doesn’t mean i don’t feel it.
TheGirl: Ive been with you how long?
Rizzn: for about 7 or 8 months.. since sept
Rizzn: bullsh!t
Rizzn: you never see it
Rizzn: because I never display it
Rizzn: you don’t know what goes on inside
Rizzn: i dont’ tell people about my insides
TheGirl: oh and your pissed
TheGirl: that I dont want to talk about it to you?
Rizzn: every time you shunned me
Rizzn: was a time my heart was being torn out
TheGirl: I never shunned you
Rizzn: because I cared about you
Rizzn: and you wouldn’t let me get close
TheGirl: I was ALWAYS there for you
TheGirl: I was always there for you [Rizzn]
TheGirl: I love you, Ive always been there for you to talk to me about anything
Rizzn: yes.
Rizzn: and I remember the good times
TheGirl: I cant l;et people close
TheGirl: its too much
TheGirl: I cant do it
TheGirl: thats why I have nebver lasted in relationships
Rizzn: How do I respond to that?
TheGirl: I dont know
TheGirl: If I knew then my life wouldnt be so empty and fscked up
bigPoppaPump: how do you expect to see other people if you cant even spend time with someone like [Rizzn] who is dedicated and persistant?
TheGirl: because I dont have to get close to other people
TheGirl: it just helps me along
TheGirl: I feel better I guess
TheGirl: its so much stress trying to be open
TheGirl: and its so much stress trying toi make a relationship work wjhen your not mentaly stable
TheGirl: deppression can really ruin things between people
Rizzn: the stress comes from one party trying to pry the other open
bigPoppaPump: [theGirl] you cant go “along” with life being fake to people
bigPoppaPump: that wont werk
TheGirl: Ive done it this far
bigPoppaPump: for you or anyone that wants to be your friend
TheGirl: [bigPoppaPump]
Rizzn: [theGirl]
TheGirl: I cant waljk thru life being outwardly deppressed
Rizzn: the pushing away is what created the stress
Rizzn: from the very beginnning
bigPoppaPump: the point is, look at the situation that you are in right now
TheGirl: Im actually doing better
TheGirl: not w/o [Rizzn]
TheGirl: but I have a job now
bigPoppaPump: you can avoid that type of thing if you would just be yourself and stop acting like someone you are not
bigPoppaPump: that is good
TheGirl: so its easyer to deal with my deppressijon cause I have a job
TheGirl: oh yeah
TheGirl: then no one would want to be around me
bigPoppaPump: you need to stay away from anything that may depress you but….you need someone to support you, and if you dont have friends to do that then you have nothing
TheGirl: deppressed people suck
TheGirl: I know this
Rizzn: [theGirl]
Rizzn: from the very beginning
Rizzn: I told you I was going to stick by you
TheGirl: I have friends who know and support me
Rizzn: until you pushed me so hard away that I couldn’t come back
Rizzn: I had no problems with you being depressed
bigPoppaPump: if you have freinds that support you do they know you for who you are…….or who you pretend to be?
TheGirl: the yelling really
freaked me out
TheGirl: I couldnt take it
Rizzn: but your methods of pushing me away, that’s what caused this.
bigPoppaPump: the question that I have to ask you is, who are you being true to?
bigPoppaPump: yourself or your heart?
TheGirl: they know how deppressed I get and they get the same way so yeah they know all about me
TheGirl: Im true to me
TheGirl: I know whats wrong with me
bigPoppaPump: obviously not
TheGirl: I know I have a poblem with deppression
bigPoppaPump: cuz you say that you love [Rizzn]
TheGirl: I do
TheGirl: why cant I?
bigPoppaPump: but, how can you love someone that you cant have close to you?
bigPoppaPump: that does not make any sense [theGirl],
TheGirl: thats how I love everyone
TheGirl: my friends my family
TheGirl: thats how I have always loved
TheGirl: from a distance
TheGirl: Its too scary to get close
Rizzn: [theGirl], you have to learn how to trus
Rizzn: trust
bigPoppaPump: yeah but [Rizzn] is not your family or friend
bigPoppaPump: he is your boyfriend
TheGirl: I dont expcet, nor do I want anyone to have to deal woth my emotions
bigPoppaPump: someone that you are supposed to turn to more than anyone else
TheGirl: he cant deal with it
bigPoppaPump: you and he should have such a level that no matter what is going on in each others lives that you can both feel safe in each others arms
TheGirl: he made that very clear one night
bigPoppaPump: I think that he can but you wont let him
Rizzn: no
Rizzn: what was made clear
Rizzn: was that you won’t let me deal with it
Rizzn: what i did
TheGirl: no
Rizzn: was out of frustration
TheGirl: you cant
Rizzn: okay
TheGirl: you had your oppertunity
TheGirl: I was letting you in
Rizzn: right
Rizzn: sure
TheGirl: you just couldnt do it
Rizzn: you didn’t let me finish a single sentence i started that nighh
Rizzn: and you know it
TheGirl: its very difficult
Rizzn: not a single one
TheGirl: ask your dad
Rizzn: every time I came up with something
Rizzn: you stopped me
TheGirl: he should know
Rizzn: you didn’t let me
Rizzn: i don’t call that an opportunity
TheGirl: it takes a long time for people to feel safe to talk to others about it
Rizzn: I call that shutting me out.
TheGirl: i were yelling at me
Rizzn: before that even
TheGirl: I couldnt take that
Rizzn: I was as calm as could be
Rizzn: I was sitting next to you to start with
Rizzn: every time I started to speak
Rizzn: you stopped me
Rizzn: you can’t understand
TheGirl: when Im deppressed I dont need someone to yell at me I need someone to just stop
TheGirl: and listen to me
Rizzn: yeah
Rizzn: I’ve tried that
Rizzn: I stop
Rizzn: and I listen
TheGirl: and wait until I ask you something
Rizzn: and then you say
Rizzn: I’m making you feel weird
TheGirl: no
TheGirl: you dont listen
TheGirl: you STARE
TheGirl: and I ask you to say soomething
TheGirl: and you say I dunno
TheGirl: it makes me feel like a freak
Rizzn: I really don’t know what to say [theGirl]. I can’t control what you feel like. You know I don’t think you are a freak. I have understanding of how you feel. I have compassion, and I want to help. I don’t know what I can do. I’ve exhausted all my resources and all my ideas.
TheGirl: I dont know what to say [Rizzn]
Rizzn: I don’t know if my decison to break up with you was the right one, but I think it will give us both time to think about our actions, and see what was done wrong. But I need this time.
TheGirl: ok
Rizzn: i’ll be right back
Rizzn: i’m going to clock out, my shifts over
TheGirl: k
Rizzn: back
TheGirl: k]
TheGirl: look like I said
Rizzn: sure
Rizzn: oops… wrong window
TheGirl: Im sorry I threw your sh!t in the rain I was super pissed and hurt
TheGirl: I want to make you feel how I felt
Rizzn: heh
Rizzn: well
Rizzn: I was already feeling that way
TheGirl: and thats the only thing I could thnk of doing at the time
Rizzn: Ever since Tuesday
TheGirl: Im sorry , but I never knew you would be hurt by that
TheGirl: I thought we had an understandiing
TheGirl: but thats been beat to death
Rizzn: Yeah, I imagine it has.
TheGirl: Im sorry I feel out of love with you [Rizzn], I neve planned it and like I said I wanted to stay with you and see if I would fall back in love when my life stablized
TheGirl: because I DO LOVE YOU
TheGirl: and thats the truth
TheGirl: if anything I want to stay friends with you
Rizzn: I’m ok with staying friends. If someday the hurt subsides enough, I don’t know, there could be a future between us. But it just hurts really too much for me to be around you for a little while.
TheGirl: k
TheGirl: well I guess Ill let you go
Rizzn: alright. I have things to move still tonight.
TheGirl: I have to go to

miindspring and oick up nikki she needs a ride home
TheGirl: k
Rizzn: I think peters waitig for me or something
TheGirl: well talk to me anytime you need me
TheGirl: Im here
Rizzn: I’ll bring your stuff over this weekend.
TheGirl: k
TheGirl: night
Rizzn: g’night
TheGirl: bye [bigPoppaPump]
Yahoo! Messenger: [theGirl] has left the conference.


Quote of the Entry: “Now if you can’t find a quote of the entry in any of that crap, you have problems. Actually, let’s make it a contest. Send me your faveorite line of BS. I’d like to hear it.”

– Rizzn

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