Dear Diary,

I had a crazy and terrible weekend. I’m not sure how much I should talk about it here, but I’m going out on a limb and hoping the wrong people don’t read this and saying what’s actually on my mind.

For the record, I’ve given up hard drugs. Nicotine, THc, and Caffeine are my friends now.

I spent the weekend with some old friends from my home town, and they got me fubar’ed worse then I’ve ever been, and it was all fun and games until someone’s girlfriend flipped their lid. And it was kindof contagious, too. A bunch of people flipped their lid for a few minutes, including yours truly.

I’ve never ever had a bad trip, bad drug experience, until now. My mind was on such sensory overload that it couldn’t store all the information long enough for me to form complete sentences. And I felt sober in all respects except for that fact. And it scared me. I got what they called in “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”, the fear. On top of that, I was imagining I was saying things I wasn’t, and I was hearing things that weren’t there. Getting word soup, word association type things. Words were coming out in a jumble. If someone wasn’t sitting there freaking out about it, it wouldn’t have been half bad, I probably would have enjoyed it, or it may not have even happenned, but someone started experiencing it and voiced it, and it became contagious, and almost everyone started having it for a short period of time.

I got over it, but the girl that was there didn’t until the next day or so. About 24 hours later.

Up until that point it was the most fun I’d ever had, but at that point the weekend just got pointless.

On top of that, I got to see how my friends were throwing their lives away. They are so deep into the drug scene it’s going to take literally an act of God himself to get them out. They are staying on drugs of all kinds four to five days a week straight.

I saw someone I know who has been a hard core druggie, but knows how to handle himself and knows when to say when ask for help that night. I saw a girl totally flip out and almost not come back that night. I saw a girl I knew since middle school collapse literally on the floor because she had been up for 5 days on meth and coke. I saw one of my friends blather on for hours on end in word association mode thinking he was normal, and then tell me he didn’t like himself when he wasn’t on drugs.

And the person from my hometown who is most known for his meth binges and being out of control was the person there that his head on the most straight. He was the one who knew when to say when. All that is what scares me the most. It makes me sad. Sad to know that two to four people I know are not going to make it, and there is probably nothing I can tell them to let them know what they are doing is a path to self-destruction.

I know on the path I was on I would never head that direction that they were on … I’m in Dallas, I have level heads around me that would let me know I was doing bad, plus I have my own conscience that blabs at me all the time about stuff like this. I just don’t know. Sad deal. Powerless about it.

I’m not preaching to anyone out there reading this to change your lifestyle. It’s your lifestyle. But maybe consider those around you who care about you, and evaluate where your path is going to take you and see if they approve, and see if it’s worth keeping their friendship and love for you to continue down that path, or they may have to do with you what I’m going to have to do with these guys — just cut their ties.

I mean, I’ll still visit with them I guess, I’m not going to be cold. But they will know I’m different about it, and I guess we’ll be all cool again if they take the hint and come around, but I just cannot subject myself to their continued abuse of themselves.

I imagine at this point I’m only rambling and belaboring the point, so I’ll quit.

In other news, I visited my parents after I sobered up. They were cool, they gave me a little spending money to keep myself alive until I start my job, which is a first with them, and helps out alot.

Plus they are going to sell my piano, and give me the money for it, and I’m going to pay off all my debts with it. Although I doubt it’ll help my credit rating, it sucks ass, but I guess every little bit helps.

Hoo-aahhh, heavy entry. I’m not feeling as depressed as this entry makes me feel, just a little maudlin I imagine. And bored. My principal mood is bored. 😉 someone come online so I can talk to you!

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry: “They are really gay. Seriously.” says Jayne. “I don’t know if I want me in coma or them in a coma.” She told me after the wrestling match.

– super fast kel