Dear Diary,

Walking back up to the front door I thought of a good idea to write an entry about, but I quickly discarded as I sat down to actually write it.

So I’ll write about something else instead.

Writing in a public diary really is something different than writing in a private diary. It has to potential to do a couple different things in your life.

Everyone wears masks. Everyone, I don’t care who you are. Who you appear to be to your friends is probably a different person than who you appear to be to your parents, and different friends get to see different masks.

What does this arise from?

Is it shame? I think so. I think that everyone has certain aspects of themselves that they are ashamed to put forth to certain people because of what they think if you put forward the whole truth.

Throuhout life we develop these masks. Heavy masks. As we continue life, certain masks become so routine, they become an embedded part of our lives. We become the masks. At least we become the masks that we put forth the most.

Let me give you a for instance.

When I was a wee little tyke, I wasn’t always the confident Mr. Rizzn you see before you today.

I was a nerdy little kid. Always serious, a mama’s boy. I told my mama everything that happenned. It didn’t even occur to me to be untruthful. Don’t know why, just the way I was.

Then middle school hit, and the mama’s boy was extremely unpopular. Not like he wasn’t unpopular before, but he was just more unpopular because middle school is cruel like that. I got beat up on a daily basis, basically because I was a 70 lbs weakling and everyone knew it. (no exaggeration).

But a magical thing happenned in middle school, and it was that I found my calling. Namely, I found computers and the online world.

From then on, I was no longer the 70 lbs weakling, I was Rizzn, the online God. Everything I touched, I could figure out and do. I don’t know why this is the way I am, I just have magic with computers, nothing is a challenge for me in that arena, and I thank God for that.

I put forth the Mask of Rizzn to the online world, and found out that is where I was popular. That led to meeting friends in the real world from the online world who shared my interests, and didn’t view me as the 70 lbs weakling they saw, but the Mr. Rizzn they knew on the internet.

In highschool, my masks changed a little, but not much. I grew to a towering 6’4″, and gained a bit of weight so that I didn’t look like a starving supermodel or something, so I didn’t get beat up anymore. But I still wasn’t what you would call popular (at least not until someone wanted something done with the computer).

But somewhere during that growing up period in middle school and highschool where I formed the Rizzn Mask, I figured if it worked online so well, it should work in real life.

And it did.

And the Rizzn Mask became the person I am.

How you see me online is usually how I am in real life.

Unless I am around other people not in my peer group. Then of course I have other more appropriate masks.

But you see what I’m getting at? Masks become who we are.

But what was that I was saying about diaries before I went off on this wild tangent about the masks and stuff people wear?

Ahh yes, public and private diaries.

I really don’t know how a private diary would affect how you are in day to day life. A public diary, I can tell you about, because well, um, you are reading one.

A public diary can either work for you or against you. You can either use it to further build up your masks and prevent people from knowing the real you, or you can use it to become a more brutally honest person.

But one of the two will happen.

Is it more healthy to be an honest person or a masked person.

I have found that for a long while, I was becomeing a very much more honest person … because the mask of honesty was what I was wearing much of the time in the diaryland world. Even in the face of the fact that some of my IRL friends started reading it.

What prompted this entry? The fact that I started to write about something and reconsidered due to the reaction that some of my friends.

Does this little tirade change how I am going to behave in the future? Does it change how you are going to behave in the future?

Consider the consequences of your actions. If you are not honest to all people, or at least most people, about who you are, about how you feel about things, and about what you do, and instead tell them what’s not really going on in your head but what you think they want to have go on in your head, what goes on in your head will eventually change to what they want to go on in your head.

Because you will continue to wear the mask that your friends and people you are with everyday like to see until one day you will find out that you have forgotten what your real self is. Depending on how busy your life is and how introspecitve you are, you may not even notice it. But take a look at who you are for a moment, if you can. Now evaluate who you were a year ago. Is it the same? Do you have all the masks straight in your head? Which one is the real you? Or is there a real you anymore? Maybe one of your masks has become the real you.

Now that you have done that scary bit of introspection, evaluate which is better. The real you, or the masks you wear. Are you going to be happy next year when you look back again and see what you are now? Proud?

Life is much simpler when we don’t wear masks. Of course you can go through your entire life wearing masks and not give it a second thought, but are you being true to yourself? Or does it even matter in the long run if you are true to yourself or not?

I think this enough deep thought for the decade. If you want, go ahead an re-read all that in place of any real content that I’d put after that paragraph. I think it’s may be valuable enough to warrant further thought. Or it may be useless ramblings about human psyche. You make the call. I have some web pages to do. 😉

Have an introspective day! Or something!

/rizzn

Quote of the Entry: (from the Chat Logs)

crackbaby:  we need to get phitt a mail order russian bride.
crackbaby: he wants a russian chick now.
rizzn: why russian?
rizzn: I thought he was all about the asian sirens.
crackbaby: well.. i told him we could order him one.
crackbaby: and he said he wants a japanese one too.
crackbaby: so i guess we get him both to help him promote his image as an international playboy.
rizzn: okay
rizzn: i'll see what i can do.