Dear Diary,

Blah blah blah what a blah day.

At any rate, I was making a couple observations.

I like to drive, and I like to ride. In cars. It stimulates the thought process. I don’t think about driving and I don’t think about riding, my mind wanders.

‘Cept it doesn’t work on road trips, on those I just want to sleep.

I also like to sleep a lot. I would sleep forever if I could. I just got out of bed today because I felt guilty somehow for wasting the day after being in bed for 13 hours. In retrospect I shoulda stayed, I’m the only one here by myself and just peforming my daily mental masturbation techniques.

Blah blah blah.

I also think I’m going on some sort of identity crisis.

But that’s another thing I dont’ want to get into right now.

I want to be productive. I do. My conscience tells me I need to be productive in some way. I just somehow am unable to be it. I’ll work on that.

My parents are thick as bricks on what they want for my life. My biggest mistakes since I’ve moved out .. the ones that have gotten me in the biggest trouble .. have been relying on them.

I relied on them when they told me they were sending me $1500 bucks to get out of debt. They told me that because I wasn’t following God’s will for my life (read that as “their will for my life”) I was foolish to expect that money.

No more. My parents are going to hear no more from me about my life. They seem intent on pushing me away. And just when I’m the most pissed off at them and I’m in a rough spot of life, they act all lovey come home and we’ll take care of you, I come home, spend some quality time, they give me some money and promise me some of the money they’ve borrowed from me or want to give me a large bit of money and then I count on their promise of money and it gets me in another rough spot and they leave me high and dry. I will never learn.

I guess it’s because you kinda have this spot in you that wants to let you trust your parents. And when they go screwing with you like that, you just let it go because they are your parents. But my parents haven’t changed, they still want to mold me long after the molding time is past for my life.

Blah blah blah.

I’m such an idiot for counting on that money. I can not stop kicking myself for counting on that.

My entire life I’ve been poor. My whole life. Ever since I moved out, I’ve either been too generous with my lending or I’ve spent my money foolishly or something. And I always end up living paycheck to paycheck.

Gosh my life sucks in that respect.

I want to stop that cycle from repeating, but I know I never will. I know I will always be to big hearted to stop myself from giving out money to people who ask for it.

Oh well.

i’m out

/rizzn