You probably won’t understand fully this entry, except those of you who I’ve given the priveldge of knowing some of my sordid past. But I’m going to rant about today because I need to. I need to sort some things out and get some stuff off my chest.
*settles comfortably in his chair*
I think I have issues.
Well, who doesn’
but I think I have some issues that I wasn’t aware of previously that i need to work thru.
It deals with ta certain bitch from my past who I had the unfortunate encounter with today. nothing bad happenned, just it triggered a gut reaction in me and i didn’t like the feeling.
i’m not talking about TheGirl. it’s another girl who i wanted never to ever see again, much less have her invited into my home.
i had some friends from the hometown over today, and somehow a bunch of other friends from the hometown came in to visit as well, and i really like all of them in a brotherly sort of way from way back. But one of them is now *with* that bitch and he brought her along. as soon as i saw her walk in the door, my chest grew tight, i was unable to think clearly, and i was literally seeing red.
this isn’t the pissed off maddness that you get that makes you want to smoke like a chimney and walk it off and stuff. this is the pissed off you get that makes you want to kill someone with your own hands. or just turn into some crazy sort of monster you see in spawn and kill the object of your hatred. this is pure raw hatred.
i am very disturbed that i still let that affect me and i still react that way to just the presence of someone. it’s like an evil filled the room and only i was affected.
we didn’t speak to one another for quite a bit. i was acting busy and just pretending to be anti-social to everyone.
but eventually she got around to greeting me and acted all chipper like nothing ever happenned between us. like she never really ruined my life. never ruined the life of my friends twice.
but everyone seems to get over it. cept crackbaby. he’s just walked in and announced that he hates that bitch. hrmm.
at any rate… temporarily lost my train of thought there due to interruption.
but this event disturbs me on several levels.
those that know me in real life know that i am probably the most forgiving person in the entire world. to my own detriment, even.
but i forgive and i forget. almost always.
but i don’t know if i’m able to let this go. i know for a fact that i can’t ever trust her ever again. i mean it’s just something i can’t do, she’s proven herself untrustworthy over and over again.
but forgiveness should be something seperate from that. shouldn’t it?
i never will ever put her in a position of trust with me again. and if she fucks over any of my friends again that know better, that’s shame on them.
but she wasn’t in a position of trust with me tonight, she was just meeting with some friend in my domain. and just her mere sight, her mere presence caused me to be this way.
how do i let it go? how do i make it so this monster is not in my essence anymore?
it’s not a feeling that can be manufactured either. it’s something that only happens when i see her. i get similar feelings of righteous indignation occasionally when someone besmirches my name. but i don’t get the feeling of hatred ever.
no one has ever done to me what she did, either.
of course i’ve given no one the opportunity since then. i’ve offerred no one the trust zone to fuck me over like that. no one has fit the bill. i’ve never offerred anyone that opportunity.
at first because i wasn’t able to. i wasn’t able to allow myself to be that close to anyone. i just couldn’t do it, i was just too fearful.
then time wore away the edges, and as i put more and more miles and layers of life between me and her, i simply forgot my hatred and sorrow for my actions and the whole deal, except in the abstract sense of the situation.
i heard stories of her, and how she was throwing her life away.
then she came back to her man, my buddie, a former roomate, and left him after she fucked him over, then he took her back in *again*.
she was in my apartment a couple weekends ago.
but i wasn’t here.
then she was in my apartment today.
and i was here.
then i left and the moster came in my place. I seriously had problems functioning at that point. i really hated so much it hurt. it was a gut reaction.
so i had to leave and get my mind off it.
my question to you is, what do i do to get rid of the anger? the hatred? do i bother? is it going to prevent me from being normal?
i really don’t know what to do here. I always have sage advice for my compadres in dire situations, but for this i have no response. i never expected this of all things to leave the deepest scar on my essence.
because that’s really what this is. this is a wound that has yet to heal in over 2 years. and seeing her was putting a pound of salt in it.
wounds that don’t heal are bad for you. it can get you poisoned or something. infected.
and if this wound has been festering for this long, it must be bad for me, right? i mean i’m all for jokingly have a 2kill list of people that have wronged you in the past, but this bitch has an entire 2kill list all her own — she’s the only one if i had one person to kill in this world.
i am going to contemplate this some and maybe consult some others, someone out there give me some ideas. you guys know how to get me and for others, there is the email button.
i hope you don’t mind me peeling away the layers of rizzn here this is just something i needed to vent about.