it’s 3:02am. I’m finally done with work. I didn’t actually get done what I set out to get done, but it’s time to sleep, and I need it.
Do you ever just have that feeling inside like things aren’t going to be okay?
Maybe it was just the events of the day, maybe it’s an accurate feeling. I don’t know. All I know is things don’t seem right at the pit of my stomache right now.
Granted, these feelings have a lot to do with what’s going on in the business right now. I know it would make good stories to start talking about it here and garner me lots of interested readers, but I’m just not going to do that right now. For one, it would take me until tomorrow morning at 3:00am to finish the story, and two, there is no ending to it, happy or sad, so writing it now would just serve to make me wallow in whatever feeling I’m in right now.
I need 24 more hours a day to work with. This is becoming a real problem. I can’t sleep until I have a certain number of needs satisfied: the need to vent, the need to complete things on my task list, the need to play, the need to eat, and the need to take care of my basic hygenics. I don’t have enough time in the day to complete everything I need to complete, so I end up staying up on average 20 hours a day. My parents and friends warn me that I’m going to burn out, but I don’t think I have time to burn out today, so I don’t even see it as a possibility. I need an assistant right now, but I don’t have it in my budget to hire one, nor do I have the time to interview them.
I feel like an irresponsible friend; I’ve not been able to keep in contact adaquately with all my friends and family. I’d love to start a relationship with a girl, but I don’t have the time to talk to myself, let alone talk the pants off of someone else! I know there is a payoff down the road, presuming things go according to plan, but when have things ever gone according to my plan, ever?
My biggest fear is that despite the fact that I do everything right and put in 200% the effort three normal humans can put into a project, this thing will fail, and I will be humiliated in front of peers, friends, family, and strangers.
All I know is that this company was fscked up when I got here, and I’ve done all I can to repair the damage. I’ve applied so much bandage to the company it looks like a mummy. If this doesn’t stop the bleeding, if this doesn’t fix it, then it was terminally ill when I got here, and it’s just that no one told me so.
I’m probably just pessimistic because I’m tired. I get that way sometimes.