Good thing we have FBI and Gates on case: “The FBI arrested an 18-year-old in Minnesota this week for being a ‘key player’ in the Blaster worm fiasco, which infected more than 500,000 computers this month.

How can the FBI stand there with a straight face and pat itself on the back for busting this loser? In reality, agents caught an extremely uninspired script-kid wannabe who allegedly copied and renamed the original Blaster code. And they did it by acting on a tip that turned the youngster over like a pancake. And it took ’em 10 days to do that!

As U.S. Attorney John McKay, who is taking credit for this sleuthing coup, put it: ‘I find it difficult sometimes to click the on button.’

Best part is they put this 6-foot-4-inch, 320-pound fellow under home detention. From what I can tell, doesn’t sound like young Jeffrey Lee Parson got out much in the first place.

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Oh, wait. Even better than that was the actual complaint filed electronically by federal prosecutors Friday. It wasn’t very legible, because the super cybersleuths who chased down this menace to society had scanned the legal document sideways. The PDF files that folks were trying to read on this matter showed only half of each page, laid out vertically across the horizontal format.

Now, if these geniuses can’t scan a document right, how did they ever corner a mastermind like Parson? They had help from Bill Gates. That’s how.

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Indeed, the real heroes here were the vigilant engineers at Microsoft Corp.,

who worked hand-in-hand with the FBI to bring this elusive hacker to justice.

Once again, I find myself grasping for answers. How, oh how, can Microsoft stand right next to the FBI and pat itself on the back for working with law enforcement to bust this poor patsy? Har.

It’s been a year and a half since Bill Gates promised he would commit his entire company to security issues. In that time, my blue screens of death have been outnumbered only by penis enlargement e-mails and worm viruses. “

Alan T. Saracevic