[rizzn’s note: when did the world weekly news become the onion?]
AL QAEDA PLANS TO DROP GAY BOMBS
Men within 30 miles of the blast will instantly turn queer!
By Nick Jefferies
EXTREMIST Muslim scientists are developing a bomb that turns anyone within a 30-mile radius of its blast into a homosexual, say U.S. Intelligence insiders.
It’s all a part of the Al Qaeda master plan to pull our country apart and kill the patriotism that makes us strong. “
They believe that making more Americans gay will start civil war between gays and ultraconservatives,” says one highly placed intelligence officer. “They also figure it will lead to a decrease in the U.S. population.”
The Gay Bomb was already in the planning stages when Osama Bin Laden and close, intimate friend Muhammad Atef founded the international terrorist group Al Qaeda in 1989.
“Atef and Bin Laden spent many late nights together during that time of revolution,” reveals an ex-Al Qaeda member, who prefers to remain anonymous for fear of retribution.
“One morning, I entered their living quarters and they had worked so hard the night before they had fallen into bed together, suffering from exhaustion.
“That’s when I saw the blueprints for the bomb. I asked about it, but Bin Laden said to leave it to the scientists. He and Atef had accidentally set one off the night before.”
The explosive device is a foot long and shaped like a cigar with a pair of land mines at one end. Planes carrying the weapons will drop them on all major U.S. cities, except, of course, San Francisco, reveals the source.
The Gay Bomb will detonate the instant a heterosexual male steps on one of the mines, releasing potent waves of the female hormone estrogen into the air.
Within hours, heterosexual men will experience terrible urges like: “I’m dying to make out with my buddy in the next cubicle,” and “I want a divorce from the witch I married,” and “I wonder if I should redecorate the living room.”
By the end of the day, the nation will be thrown into chaos. Wives and husbands will square off, leaving a trail of broken families from Hollywood to New York City.
Children will sob: “Why is Daddy moving the furniture and who is Judy Garland?”
Civil war will break out between conservative heterosexuals and newly single guerrilla fighters whowill likely call themselves the PLH, or Proud Latent Homosexuals.
“The only way to stop this horrible vision of the future is to analyze an exposed person’s biochemistry and come up with a vaccine before the gay bombs strike,” explains a government scientist.
Fortunately, Homeland Security czar Tom Ridge has stepped forward and volunteered for the dangerous job.
“We will reconstruct the gay bomb from the ex-Al Qaeda member’s memory of the blueprints and set it off,” says the scientist.
“Mr. Ridge will be as queer as a three-dollar bill until we find an antidote. Hopefully, we will discover the cure before it becomes permanent and he remains a gay man forever.”