The following story was found on Miami’s Politics Craigslist. It was supposed to be a day in the life of a typical conservative. It’s a little bit one sided, but hey, whatever. I’ve inserted the corrected paragaphs as to how this day should have gone for a real conservative independent thinker (the original is the indented paragraph).
Joe gets up at 6 a.m. and fills his coffeepot with water to prepare his morning coffee. The water is clean and good because some tree-hugging liberal fought for minimum water-quality standards. With his first swallow of coffee, he takes his daily medication. His medications are safe to take because some stupid commie liberal fought to insure their safety and that they work as advertised.
Joe gets up at 6 AM and fills his coffeepot with water to prepare his morning coffee. Back in the day, before liberal Hollywood made it trendy to drink bottled water, the municipalities made it a priority to have clean water at the tap. These days, however, if you want clean water, you must buy it bottled, and so Joe gets water from his Ozark Springs water dispenser and gets the coffee going. With his first swallow of coffee, he takes his daily medication. Back before the liberals created this culture of dysfunction, he didn’t know he needed three different kinds of psychiatric medicine.
All but $10 of Joe’s medications are paid for by his employer’s medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance – now Joe gets it too. He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs. Joe’s bacon is safe to eat because some girly-man liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry. In the morning shower, Joe reaches for his shampoo. His bottle is properly labeled with each ingredient and its amount in the total contents because some crybaby liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained. Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some environmentalist wacko liberal fought for laws to stop industries from polluting our air.
All but $10 Joe’s medications are paid for by the insurance plan he took out for his own company. He’s self employed, and due to the rising economy from the last six years of conservative fiscal policies, his company is doing well enough to pay for insurance. He prepares his morning’s breakfast, bacon and eggs. Joe’s bacon is safe to eat because Ralph Nader advocated for the establishment of OSHA, something everyone can agree is a good thing. These days, most liberals won’t claim Ralph as one of their own, but that’s neither here nor there. In his morning shower, Joe reaches for his shampoo. His day isn’t complete without reading the ingredients, and he’s glad some liberal was there for that, too. Joe dresses, walks outside, and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because then President Richard M. Nixon helped establish the EPA so that industries would stop polluting our air.
He walks to the subway station for his government-subsidized ride to work. It saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees because some fancy-pants liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.
He walks to the subway station for his government-subsidzed ride to work. Thank goodness for entreprenuers in the business like him, and conservative fiscal policies, otherwise the local government wouldn’t have the budget surplus to afford such a public luxury.
Joe begins his work day. He has a good job with excellent pay, medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some lazy liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe’s employer pays these standards because Joe’s employer doesn’t want his employees to call the union. If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed, he’ll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some stupid liberal didn’t think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune. Its noontime and Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe’s deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because some godless liberal wanted to protect Joe’s money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the Great Depression. Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage and his below-market federal student loan because some elitist liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earne d more money over his lifetime. After work this evening, Joe plans to visit his father at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive. His car is among the safest in the world because some America-hating liberal fought for car safety standards.
Joe begins his work day. He has a good job with excellent pay, medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because he’s an excellent businessmen, and he can plan for his future. He had tried to find a company in today’s world that would offer these things, but not finding them, he decided to strike out on his own and make his own way, instead of waiting to get taken advantage of by a much larger corporation. If Joe is hurt on the job, he has paid his company’s insurance policy so as to ensure he isn’t without options. It’s noontime and Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe’s deposit is federally insured by the FDIC, an organisation created by the Glass-Seagall Act, signed into law by Republican President Herbert Hoover in 1932. Joe is a little uneasy about paying his Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage given the widespread accounting scandal that’s been under investigation since 2004. He doesn’t want his house to be defaulted on because some greedy Enron-Exec clone wanted a bonus. After work this evening, Joe plans to visit his father at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive. His car is among the safest in the world because, again, of that outcast of the liberal clan, Ralph Nader, and his consumer advocacy.
He arrives at his boyhood home. His was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers’ Home Administration because bankers didn’t want to make rural loans. The house didn’t have electricity until some big-government liberal stuck his nose where it didn’t belong and demanded rural electrification. Joe is happy to see his father, who is now retired and lives on Social Security and a union pension because some wine-drinking, cheese-eating liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn’t have to. Joe gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns on a radio talk show. The radio host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. He doesn’t mention that the beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day. Joe agrees: “We don’t need those big-government liberals ruining our lives! After all, I’m a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have.”
He arrives at his boyhood home. His was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmer’s Home Administration because bankers didn’t want to make rural lones. President Woodrow Wilson established that organisation back in 1921 (President Wilson, of course, being one of the most conservative Democratic presidents in history). The house didn’t have electricity until the biggest government liberal in the Executive Branch’s history, President Franklin D. Roosevelt demanded rural electrification. Joe is hap
py to see his father, who is now retired and lives on Social Security and a union pension. Joe sort of wishes that the liberals in congress could get with the conservatives and figure out a way for it to continue SS’s existence to when he gets to retirement age, as the liberals who created the program didn’t really think that far ahead. Joe gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns on a radio talk show. The radio host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. Joe doesn’t pay him that much mind. He doesn’t consider himself a Republican or a Democrat. Both parties have screwed up big, and both parties have done some good. Joe considers himself fortunate to be able to make up his own mind, instead of feeling like he must goose-step behind one single party.
Joe does agree, however, that “We don’t need those big-governmetn liberals ruining our lives! My taxes are higher than they should be, I’m paying into a retirement system the government created that will never benefit me, there’s scandal at every level and in both parties, and no one seems to pay attention to the issues I’m concerned about!”
Joe then turns his radio off, turns on his iPod, and listens to some alternative media — podcasts. He downloaded them after he discovered that there were, in fact people out there who were concerned about what went on in the world, but weren’t mouthpieces of the Democrat or Republican party, but people with actual brains and independent analysis.