I’ve been posting these junkmails I’ve been getting from Liquid Generation lately because they’ve just been fantastic, bizarre gems of humor (and they don’t seem to post them anywhere on the web).  This week is is no exception.

Dear Pro-Chooser,

HelgaI am Helga The Help, LiquidGeneration’s most maternal transsexual, and I would like to ask you a hypothetical question:

Would you place the precious and innocent years of your childhood in the hands of a hormonally-blinded, moody and irrational person who has just made the decision to transform herself into an incubator for the next nine months?

How sad that no one asked you, because that’s exactly what happened.

I have always wondered how the entire pro-choice movement started out so twisted from the very beginning. Why was everyone so obsessed with the woman’s right to choose when they should have been obsessing about the right of the parents? The woman is but part of the equation. The part that can’t parallel park. Anyway, what kind of society would call it equality if the partnership that created life is not required to end it?

This whole nonsense of “my body, my temple” has gone far enough. Of all the problems humanity has faced over millennia, fertility has never been one of them. Evolution has long ago selected for humans to cooperate in the rearing of offspring thus enabling them to be born weaker but smarter. Wonderful. If you think that women alone should decide the fate of their newly implanted embryo then the large brain has been wasted on you. It’s contrary to everything evolution stands for but more importantly, it’s contrary to me.

The rules should work like a binary AND operator. The desire to procreate must be unanimous else we’ll continue to fill the world with deranged misfits who have barely the IQ to clean our streets. If either partner returns a NO then just like our binary statement both are NO and the pregnancy should be terminated, forcibly if necessary. Don’t make that stupid face. The world is no stranger to forced abortion and even sterilization. Look at Indira Gandhi, Chairman Mao and The Northern Mariana Island of Saipan. I only wish Canada was on the list, too, but whatever.

Here’s the bottom line: you’re smart enough to understand that insemination is not a license to live. What you need to get through your titanium skull is that to maximize the offspring’s chances in this world, parental consent must be unanimous. We have enough population growth from those who want children that we don’t need reinforcement from those who don’t. And if you disagree, it’s probably because your father would rather have popped your fugly ass instead of hanging 18 years of child support around his neck.

Love,

Helga

On the Turntables Currently: MC FrontalotA Very Unlikely Occurrence