Hello everyone, Jon Wilson here from Thelinebeginstoblur. As you may or may not know, i have been commissioned to guest blog for Mark today as he is on vacation. Ive been told to post something relevant without saying the words…..well you know, dirty words. At the very least i should make sure that you know that anything i say here today is the sole opinion of myself, and cannot be controlled by Mark Hopkins in anyway, shape, form, or fashion. Dont yell at him, Yell at me via email@example.com
Onward we go.
I was stressing slightly over what to post for today’s update. I havent really kept up with too many political issues since sometime around march when the gas prices started raising the roof more often than Flava Flav at a Public Enemy CD release party. So therefore, instead of trying to think of something new and bore you to death. Im gonna post an old article about some ads that i never could get behind.
Namely, ads for Basic Cable…..on basic cable.
The article is as follows:
Amongst the overflowing amount of Blink-182 videos that never seem to go away, and the reruns of Growing Pains…..with that lovable chump turned Fundamentalist Christian Kirk Cameron. I noticed something on the Godbox yesterday. Cox Cable, the local conglomerate on all things digital entertainment in our area (and when i say our area, i mean Jupiter….just north of that flaming ball of hellfire), was showing commericals for its basic cable service.
Now correct me if im wrong, but if you are the only cable company in the area and you are advertising your basic cable service on the only basic cable service in the area, then what possible difference, or for that matter profit, would you make by placing these spots on television. Granted im not too worried about missing the preview commericials for “Who wants to live on the Real-Survivor-Idol Millionare Island Dance and Chili Cook-Off” or the newest line of products from The Gap, but i honestly dont understand the thought process the executives went through to get these commercials on air. If i did understand it, it would probably go a litlle something like this:
[exec walks into room, straightens tie, sits down at top position of table]
Executive Head: “Good Morning Gentlemen. I trust this meeting will be short?”
[two lower level executives, obviously crying inside from the pathetic bastardazation of all things sacred and holy in their lives, clear their throats and begin their presentation]
Lackey Number One: “Yes, Sir. Very short. We are going to present an idea to you for the commercial to fill the 30 seconds right before “The Spanking New Adventures of Donkey Kong and Miles Davis (sponsored by MTV and Clorox Bleach)”
Lackey Numero Dos: “Sir we have an absolutly outstanding idea for this spot! Picture This: A commercial on both our Basic and Digital streams, advertising our Basic and Digital Streams!
[The head executive holds his open hand up, as to gesture a stop from the moron lower level executive from speaking out of his mouth-hole]
Executive Head: “You want to run an ad on Basic Cable, for Basic Cable?”
Lackey First One: “Yes, Sir. That is the plan.”
[as if waiting for the head to go greco-roman and raise his thumb in approval or lower it in utter dismay of the very notion that they could pass a green light for something so incredibly idiotic….the lackeys wait for what feel like 4 minutes….but is really only 3.925 minutes]
Executive Head of Retards: “Thats absolutly brilliant Steve!!!”
Retard Number One: “Thank you!, and my name is Paul sir…”
Executive dead by five-thirty: “Thats what i said…..Steve….”
Number One guy man: “….yes sir….”
Executive nicknackpattywackgivadogabone: “the project is green-lighted, bring a rough draft back to me when im not drunk!”
[lackey/moron/giraffes walk out of boardroom in a stupor, surprised that something so meaningless was actually go for launch….]
/end pathetic excuse for a skit youll never see on the Kids in The Hall, or performed by the West Chester, Pennslyvania comedy skit troup: Chester Nut Bars on Parade (featuring Weird Al and the 1991 Denver Broncos!)
But Since i dont know what they were thinking…..i can only begin to think that the Higher ups had one of four things on their minds…
A: Make the Commerical and put it on every thirty seconds that the Season Finale of Will and Grace isnt on.
B: Show it to some girl scouts in the hopes that they and their families would get free cookies/sexual favors
C: Take the hard copy betamax tape of the Commercial and sacrifice it to the devil of all things decent and entertaining on television (read: the same devil that let Pauly Shore do “Jury Duty”)
D: Mix the Commerical with some Mayonaise and Bread (white because all bread companies are racist) and make a nice Crap Sandwich
E: Frank Zappa
Again, only God and the Denver Broncos will ever really know the truth as to the decision that was made to put this commerical on air and rot away all other neuro-pathways inside my cerebral cortex. Hopefully, They will share with me and all the other white bread loving americans when we all die from the ebola virus….
Hows THAT for a curveball…
Running out of time to look for the Holy Grail
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