I had yet to experience in my years of being on MySpace the fabled “MySpace Drama.” I’ve always heard about it, but never involved myself. Today, I saw the opportunity, pondered it briefly, and jumped in feet first! This is the chronicle of that.

First, the setup.

There’s this girl who’s absolutely cute as a button, and is friends with my old neighbors Jen and Jared – her name is Amber. She recieved an email from someone she turned down for a date that went a little something like this:

bitch your so small your tiny ass could fit into my pocket you would be my little whore bitch your just a waste of sperm i hope you get gang raped hahhahahahah and your site and taste in music is very poor

She was understandably upset by the vulgar, albeit poorly worded insult. She informed me and a few friends about the incident, and I took it upon myself to send a little message to the worm.

Do you feel all big and powerful sending insulting and degrading messages to little girls?

Let’s hope we never meet in a dark alley. For your sake.

He replied:

if i met you anywhere i would rip your head off your so ignorant little person you better bring a gun i dont need one to put you in the ground

I felt it was incumbent upon me to correct his grammar and mistaken assumptions:

I don’t need a gun. I’m 6’5″. I could step on you.

Are you really debating on the internet who could beat up who? I wouldn’t need to touch you… your intellect seems such that I could simply think in your direction and your brain would explode.

How about you stop talking sh!t, and come down here and bring it, p*ssy. I’m sure you’re all great at talking sh!t and making girls cry. Pick on someone like me, and you’ll be crushed.

Bring it. I’m not hard to find.

There were several exchanges in which expletives on both sides were used. I felt it was time to step it up, and I told him that I was tired of his smack-talk, and if he really were as big of a badass as he claimed, he should decide to step it up a notch. He obliged:

go ahead i want you to i will even tell you where i live i want to show you the way to your death spot we can meet in a certain place i dont want my parents involved i am in garland north garland there is a golds gym off of beltline road meet me there and im ready when you are i fuck with people that fuck with me so dont give me shit when you dont even know me remember you started it and i will end it

Now, let’s take a moment to read between the lines here… this kid lives with his parents in Garland North, and apparently knows his way to a gym – and he was getting serious about this! We’re setting times and dates at which to face off! Things are getting epic – like some muddafuggin Faith No More epic!

I decided it was time to get to know my opponent. Through a little bit of background investigation, I found his name was Dylan, he did indeed live in Garland, is 19 years old, and has a bodybuilder’s frame, if your idea of a bodybuilder is Screech Powers (see picture at the right).

Armed with this information, I forwarded the following and all other correspondence back to Amber and Jerkwad.

I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself.

Watch your back, asshole.

He has since declined further comment. Amber, having since composed herself, in response to this and other correspondence with our dear asshat, wrote him the following letter:

Hey Dylan!! thanks so much for the feedback. i always enjoy hearing from cool guys who have definitely had sex with a real female before. You know, the type of guys who live with their parents by choice and are strongly considering enrolling in the local community college in the fall. you are soo awesome. and you’re a good speller too. such intellect. i can tell that you most certainly graduated from high school with honors. my little scholar. picking up on the sarcasm? i sure hope so because i’m laying it on pretty thick.

i noticed you live in garland. that’s great because i’ve got a few friends in garland that are really looking forward to meeting you. one expressed how excited he would be when he finally gets to see you face to face so he could in his own words “cotton-fist that little shit in his knees with a lousiville fucking slugger!” hopefully they’ll remember to have their video camera on hand, because we couldn’t miss out on an opportunity to capture such a priceless moment.

my uncle Cecil has also displayed an interest in meeting you. he’s a cheerful old fellow and has some very colorful friends. i’m sure ya’ll will have hoot of a time together. he said that him and his friend Crowbar would be in garland this weekend and that they’d look you up for sure.

in closing i’d like to tell you how truely saddening it is to me, that people like you are allowed to breathe the same air as me. in my book you are nothing short of an oxygen theif. if i were to ever win the lottery i would do the world a favor and pay someone to off you. because lets face it, we can’t afford to let you reproduce. i’ll let you go now. wouldn’t want to keep you from your comic books and video games that you routinely beat off too. and if you’d like to respond to this, please do me a favor and take the dick out of your mouth before you try to speak. it’s just rude. geez, what a little bitch-ass faggot.

die slow,

I invite everyone who cares to send any concerns, questions, or drama his way to do so: Dylan the Asshat can be found here on MySpace.

And that, my friends, is MySpace Drama. Now you know.


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