Please stop freakin’ talking about the stupid damn Apple freakin’ tablet.

If you can tell I want to say something more crass here, you’re pretty observant.

Here’s the thing.

There is no Apple Tablet.

Maybe there will be, maybe there won’t. Right now, there isn’t one. Until there is one, I really won’t care to hear about it.

Here’s another thing

I’m not going to buy an Apple Tablet. Ever.

I’m not a fan of Apple. Never have been.  I don’t think I’ve ever owned a single one of their products, including the iPod (though I have purchased some very low priced knockoffs from a distributor in China. Does that count?).

Why don’t I buy Apple? Because their crap is too expensive. If I wanted something that looked trendy and cute, I’d paint my laptop white and pick a better fruit profile to tape to the side of it (I’ve always liked plums).

For the price of an Apple Tablet, which I suspect won’t be any less than $800, best case scenario, I could buy almost three Archos tablets. I could buy four budget netbooks. I could buy an entire cow off the McDonald’s Value Menu.

I like beef.

I also enjoy it when bloggers aren’t lazy.  The endless regurgitation of trumped up Apple Tablet rumors and speculation is the antithesis of beef – it’s not even cotton candy.  It’s a bit like chocolate coverage bits of garbage.  It tastes ok for half a second, but then you realize what you’re eating and you immediately wish it would stop.

So far, the best confirmation we’ve gotten from Apple has been Valleywag’s cease and desist from the Apple lawyers.

Let’s think about that for a second. We’re hinging this entire thing off what a lawyer said?  A lawyer at Apple? Lawyers lie… that’s what they’re paid to do, and Apple lawyers are notorious for suing everything that moves (second only to the RIAA).

Hanging everything on that is like hinging the responsibility for the big red nuke button in the hands of a palsy sufferer who also happens to be epileptic.

In other words, not smart.

The Apple Tablet may not even exist. If that’s the case…

I’m really going to laugh.

A lot. At all of you.